Today was EXHAUSTING!!! I began the day feeling very blue and overwhelmed and not really sure why?? I was borderline weepy on the drive in to work. It could be hormones or a direct result of just getting older but I think the feelings of the last couple of weeks have finally decided to rear their ugly head..
I am SCARED... not for any one thing. I'm not the alone or lonely kind of scared because I know that God is always with me and never leaves me. I am afraid of CHANGE...OK, I have said it and out loud even. I like all my ducks in a row and for sameness ( or saneness, whichever applies more). I have always resisted change and it could be a direct result of sometime in my life feeling that things were totally out of my control and my whole life was all about change. You know the rolling with the punches, taking life as it comes kind of change. Maybe because too often change is/was viewed by me in a negative light with all sorts of inconveniences instead of being embraced as an opportunity for new possibilities to present themselves.
I think how much my life changes on a daily basis but those are small somewhat manageable changes. I can't be the scared caterpillar not wanting to burst into a beautiful, colorful butterfly because of all the the changes I would have to go through. Beauty sometimes emerges from change. Truth and reality come with change too. Change is often a result of a failed attempt at doing something so you tweak and search for a better way of doing whatever it is thus creating a changed situation and hopefully even better attitude as a result.
Work causes me enormous stress at times because it is so unpredictable and it is all about change. Daily, hourly and sometimes even minute to minute depending on how that moment presents itself. Sometimes it is the kind of constant change that leaves you winded and wondering what just happened while other times it's like a claustrophobic smothering anxiety. Don't get me wrong, I love my job for the most part and it's manageable but I wonder if I would be any happier if I didn't have to go through so much change on such short notice.!! I'm sure there have been many wrinkles added to my face as a result of some of these daily changes.
I think of others whose lives have been radically changed because of life altering circumstances; ie, health issues, loss of job, car wreck, fire, natural disasters, divorce, death, etc.. How do they cope and deal with these changes? I think of my mom. She has had so many changes in her life in the past three years. She however chooses to stay upbeat and I admire her immensely. She has endured some tough things; breast cancer, the death of her beloved mother (my sweet, sweet granny) and numerous other health issues to name a few. I look to her for inspiration because in my eyes she is one of my heroes. When I think about her my little petty changes in life seem so small and insignificant but when you talk to her she will tell you her changes are small compared to others. I guess it really is about perspective.
I guess it is time to put on my big girl panties ( and not only to cover my bottom) and face whatever comes my way with the strength and dignity that she does. You can't stop change but I guess it's time to stop whining about all the things that seemingly go wrong and the changes that make my days crazy and accept the fact that that's what life is all about. It is what helps us to grow stronger, love deeper, have more faith in others, ourselves and how God is directing our paths for a better tomorrow. Instead of having a negative attitude about change I want to BE THE change I want to see in the world. In order to do that I must embrace life, change and all.